full circle - old age

i have heard that as we age, we become like a child. but rarely, have i seen some one aged whose behavior would resemble that of a child. that is, until now. my grand mother seems to age many times in her mind than her body.

and many a times, it is hard to see past that old wrinkled body and connect with the child that manifests itself. and the glimpses of being a grown up every now and then surely makes it hard.

i have heard a lot of stories from her younger days, when she might have been my age now, many a times in the past. and many many times. her stories telling was exactly like playing a record, and sometimes i used to ask her to tell that incident or this and she would gladly oblige. i no longer listen to those stories and they don't fascinate me any more..

but where can she now go to bring new stories, other than what she hears over the phone from her grand child in another city. she pretty much repeats her phone conversation with her, even if it is just about the lunch or the dinner the grand child had.

there are times, when she tells me things that i have told to my cousin, and which my cousin told her. after listening, i would just say .. i know. and she also seems to imply that "yes, i know you know. but you did not tell me. learn from your cousin, she confides in me.". i just keep looking at her..... as she walks back in her room, having made her point.

well, there are days, when the cousin doesn't call (hardly any, but still). she walks up to me as i am watching tv, after serving her dinner. she shows me the tablet that she is holding, the same tablet that she has to take every night for diabetes and asks me,

"should i take an half or a full?". i keep quiet..

"i am just taking your advice." she says..

after considering for a while, based on her recent sugar reports.. i would say "half".

"no. i think i will take full. what if sugar increases while i am asleep."

at that point, i have tried to logically reason out which has never worked. she would finally say as she walks away. "i will take full. btw, make sure to check on me every now and then. i may have passed away and sleeping."

the very first time, i had heard her say that, i got infuriated. "why are you talking like that?" i demanded.

for which she had an well prepared answer. "i am not afraid of death. but i only have one wish. i want to see your cousin married. once she is married i will be peaceful."

when the same conversation repeated, i realized it is futile to make her stop mentioning death. and i have become indifferent towards her affinity towards d - statements.

and then, there are these episodes of her stopping me from going out of the house because she can't be alone in the house anymore. she starts crying. literally. if i say that it will be fine. a new can of rantings opens up about how she is being ignored and no one cares whether she is alive or d.

of course. it is true. can't leave her alone any more, especially in an locked apartment, where she can't find help from neighbors. sometimes i wonder about if she doesn't feel like a bird caged inside all the time. she has spent most of her like staying out doors and socializing (more like gossiping) with the village folks....

she is the(one of) reason i exist. and she is at a stage where i am the(one of) the reason she exists.